When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
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If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Many hands make light work
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
I have many caverns
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*