[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
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i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out