When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
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My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
accurate