@UncleDuke1969

When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.

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@ddsmidt

My MIL recently had an amazing recovery from a serious illness. Everyone was saying what a fighter she is.

I’d have to agree, I mean she’ll literally fight with anyone.

@PleaseBeGneiss

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

@fro_vo

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

@Ndeshi_M

Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!

@MyPornKhan

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.

@Sean_Burgundy_

It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house

@cheers27402373

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

@GabbbarSingh

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the c**kroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.