Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
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When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases