join me in holy matrimony you coward
When someone tells you to “get a Life,” just take theirs. They’ll be happy you took their advice, and you’ll be happy they’re dead.
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If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?”
Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.
This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that “it stays in your system forever,” so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.