@Freudianscript

When someone tells you to “get a Life,” just take theirs. They’ll be happy you took their advice, and you’ll be happy they’re dead.

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@WowYoureFunny

If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?

@curlymalloy

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

@c12h22o11balls

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

@TheWoodenslurpy

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

@Kirangandhi

HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!

@XplodingUnicorn

6: Why are we at the vet?

Me: So our pig can’t have babies

6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?

Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch

@UncleDuke1969

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

@liv_thatsme

“WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?”

Me: I cooked it for you. It’s over there, on that teaspoon.

@MaiPareshaan

This one time I swallowed a gum and my mom told me that “it stays in your system forever,” so I swallowed a table to stick it under it.