me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
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I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat