@Freudianscript

When someone tells you to “get a Life,” just take theirs. They’ll be happy you took their advice, and you’ll be happy they’re dead.

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@BeTheCookie

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

@fart

theres a train nerd counting the number of ppl that get on and off at every stop. at first i pitied him but he seems happy so now i hate him

@brynnester

Before the internet the only way to review your stay at a Hotel was to write a song about it. Like The Eagles did

@ThugRaccoons

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

@OrangeFact

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

@PaperWash

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

@RandomAntics

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

@CloydRivers

Camo is proper for any occasion. It’s good for drinkin’ beers, huntin’ deers and scarin’ queers. Merica.