@Bez

When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.

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@Staggfilms

Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering

#BatmanvSuperman

@TheMichaelRock

Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received.

Beep.

@envydatropic

You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.

@BinyominS

Why procrastinate today

When you could procrastinate tomorrow

@CruisinSoozan

My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.

@mommajessiec

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

@TeaAndCopy

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

@TheWadest

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

@daddydoubts

3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.

[3 pandemics later]

3yo: done!