@Bez

When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.

You Might Also Like

@I_am_carbs

i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down

@yoyoha

Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.

@Mindless4Miles

Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

@Vodkantots

A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”

@ArtIsMyPorn

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

@dadopotamus

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

@radtoria

if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free

@junejuly12

You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.

@AmishPornStar1

Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?