i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.
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Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.
A taser, but for people who say, “everything happens for a reason.”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?