Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.
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Your voicemail will be ignored in the order in which it was received.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
3yo: dad watch me put on my own socks.
[3 pandemics later]