When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
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What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
I feel seen.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
concern
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow