When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, “No, thanks. I’m vegetarian.”

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Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.


My 4 yr old nephew’s hobby horse is called ‘my noble Steve’ because he misheard the word ‘steed’ and I am dying.


[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction


today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING


People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.


Society’s a wreck because Superman has nowhere to change.


One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.