Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
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When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Just me?