When someone tries to hand me a baby, I say, “No, thanks. I’m vegetarian.”

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BOB THE BEER DROPPER: I make the worst decisions
ME: hold my beer


So apparently when a woman asks what you’re looking for in a relationship, “a way out” isn’t the right answer.


Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep


An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.


I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.


Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.


Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of


People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.


Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!


It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…

Don’t have kids.