When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
You Might Also Like
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Noted.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.