@SamGrittner: The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

@Vice_Queen: I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

@DrakeGatsby: me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel. my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?

@reczit: I'm afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.

@murrman5: *takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"