When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
*pronounces bondage like corsage.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
thank god the sign was there
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
finally
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular