When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

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ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this


911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.


hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register


The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.


Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.


I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.