@VerbsRProudest
@ArfMeasures
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
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@ArfMeasures
@lamefactory
911, what’s your emergency?
What do you mean you’ve been stabbed?
People can’t do that, that’s illegal.
@Afghan_Kushh
I put the ‘extra vag’ in extravaganza
@MrSpoonicorn
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
@RealRebelElle
Roasting nuts. Who’s next?
@blopt
The entire city of Detroit burned down last night. Estimated damage is $6.
@JohnLyonTweets
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
@1fragmentedmind
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
@dirtydishtowels
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
@Vodkantots
I just sighed so hard, I won’t have to dust for 6 months.