Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.

( *Runs out of toilet paper* )

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

[brain surgery]

SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork

ASSISTANT:

SURGEON: …over that scalpel

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.

ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?

MY ALLERGIST: Get out.

I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.

I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.

The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks

Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*

My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????

Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people

Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?

Me: Perfect

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

2023 was just a warmup

People fear what they don’t understand:

Change
Death
4th grade math word problems

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

what?