When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
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*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years