@Jake_Vig

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

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@LizHackett

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

@BCMontgo

Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?

@YoungFunE

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

@squirrel74wkgn

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

@AndrewChamings

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

@rickolantern

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

@eminmien

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.

@Tbone7219

Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.

@panmidwest

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet