When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

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I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”


Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.

Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.

Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?


My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa


I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.


Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap


*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes


“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.


Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Jennifer? Most people love it.


[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet