Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
When someone walks next to me at the same speed I want to grab their hand and start skipping
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Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.
So, what seems to be the problem?
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
I’m at my most nurturing when I’m plotting a way to drop my 12 yr old at school 3 days early.
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.