Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
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I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag