Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
You Might Also Like
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.