My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.