@2tickytacky

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

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@Frankly_Drebin

[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]

Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.

Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.

Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm

@HenpeckedHal

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

@TheCattyLady

Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.

@TheDeducers

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

@LindaInDisguise

Google search history:

-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe

@theevilwriter

The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.

Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.

@gogglepossum

[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]

Wife: what are you doing?

Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon

@DadZZZasleep

5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?

Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question

@Gender_Thief

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*