When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
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If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
#TopTip
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?