Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
You Might Also Like
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Cause of death: Zumba
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel