@ventivodkacran

When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.

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@smithsara79

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

@autocorrects

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.

@vineyille

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

@AngryRaccoon2

“Don’t make things all about you for once…”

My mother says hi.

@DanMentos

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

@KKAlThani

Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling “Good one!” and high-fiving the air.

@Reel2Dialog2

[from the bottom of a lake]

I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.

@occupied_stall

Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.

Did I do that right? I don’t get it.

@WilliamAder

I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.