Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
When someone yells “STOP!” I never know if it’s Hammertime or if I should collaborate and listen.
You Might Also Like
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Next time someone catches you talking to yourself, make it worthwhile by laughing, yelling “Good one!” and high-fiving the air.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.
Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.