Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
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My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”