@not_delicate

when someone you thought looked great for 50 announces they’re 41 there is no way to unfurrow your brow in time

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@chrissyteigen

I just realized that when I murder someone my neighbors will never describe me as “quiet”

@BoobsRadley

Therapist: resentment is like drinking poison in the vain hope it makes your enemies sick

Me: not if I’m banking on them eating my body

@DanMentos

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

@NotthatAdamWest

Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.

@juicymorsel

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

@birbigs

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

@Shock_Monster

Christian Mingle: Find God’s match for you.

Because the Lord works in mysterious ways. Like setting up a website for his people to hook up.

@xJLynn

If a dentist makes his money off unheathly teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?