Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
You Might Also Like
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.