@HomeProbably

When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

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@SarcasticSadOne

I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?

@HMittelmark

The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.

@Sean_Burgundy_

Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line

@TweetPotato314

pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end

@andlikelaura

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

@tehaveragejoel

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

@Lhlodder

No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.

@Marlebean

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

@AngelaEhh

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.