When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.

We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.

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I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?


The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.


Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line


pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end


coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar


Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.


No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.


Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.


Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.