When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
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I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Room with a view.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Hitlers gonna hitl
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.