Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
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Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
Blew my mind.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Not my job 😂
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good