When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.

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If a genie granted me 3 wishes I’d ask for unlimited wishes, then I’d probably take a nap


Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me


FRIEND: Women like when you’re mysterious
ME: Okay
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business


It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!


A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy