If a genie granted me 3 wishes I’d ask for unlimited wishes, then I’d probably take a nap
When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.
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Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
*Goes to morgue*
*Sits with cool kids*
I literally use hyperbole seven billion times a day.
FRIEND: Women like when you’re mysterious
[later on date]
HER: So where are we going tonight?
ME: None of your goddamn business
Lets make it happen guys!
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.