Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation