@cottoncandaddy

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

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@pakalupapito

why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here

@AmishPornStar1

If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…

It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!

@Kathleen_McGee

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

@karencheee

Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day

@LittleMissAngr1

Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.

@fro_vo

“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”

— how the worm got its name

@squirrel74wkgn

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.