why do parents get mad when u sleep all day like im staying out of trouble and im not spending your money like what is the issue here
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
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If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
more like Clifford the Big Red Reason we are Homeless
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Happy that I paid $ for a gym membership to exercise the little neuron in my brain that argues whether I should go to the gym every day
Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.
All my passwords are protected by amnesia.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”
— how the worm got its name
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*