@lnbshr

When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

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@TheDairylandDon

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

@CAshmanActor

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

@continentlbkfst

funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

@mishakey

4 out of 5 experts agree that when you put any 5 experts together, 4 out of 5 of them will agree.

@Home_Halfway

I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.

@SvnSxty

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

@MsTexas1967

They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed