When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭

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Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.

Her: No, I never have….

Me: I asked you not to tell me that.


You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!


A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.


colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund


Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.


Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection


I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.


Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.


“You will regret this later” is not what to write in an engagement card, apparently.