When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
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You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Mad Max: Furry Road
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.