when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.