when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.