when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
i choose….tongue
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee