When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
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Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
How high do the levels go?
I hope google does well on my son’s test
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size