When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
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Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be