When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
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Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.