When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

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DATE: So what do you do?

ME (a night watchman): I’m a night—

DATE: I hope it’s something thrilling

ME: —shyamalan


Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears


Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.


Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.


“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.


Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.


I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.


Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right


Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.