@Jason_Horton

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

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@sonictyrant

DATE: So what do you do?

ME (a night watchman): I’m a night—

DATE: I hope it’s something thrilling

ME: —shyamalan

@SorryDontClaire

Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears

@Ooft_Headshot

Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.

@badbanana

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

@AbbyHasIssues

“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.

@MissSassy_Pants

Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.

@thatdutchperson

I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.

@behindyourback

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.