when the buffet is more honest than your date
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Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
an airline just for babies.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks