My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
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If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.