@CruisinSoozan

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

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@SladeWentworth

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

@HomeProbably

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

@TheHyyyype

ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately

FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor

ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome

@RocketRankoon

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

@ch000ch

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

@jessokfine

When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.