When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear. I might have repeated it.

@pleatedjeans: [petting stranger's dog] Me: what kind of dog is it? Him: a hot dog please stop

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@murrman5: [calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late

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@: There is no land animal faster than a cat that hears the treat packet being opened.

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@crunchenhancer: When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won't eat you. If that doesn't work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!

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@MrsJekyllsHyde: In the Walking Dead how and when does the cop guy find time to clean, iron, and press his uniform during the zombie apocalypse?

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