@Chumpstring Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
@CruisinSoozan When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
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@Chumpstring 
@WilliamRodgers There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
@aguywithnolife brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it’s just nice to be held.
@robfromonline [being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
@Home_Halfway A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
@Only_Fast_Eddie Some women have mood swings… others have mood theme parks.
@dawneywawney Jamiroquai, because Jamirodepwessed.
@stevevsninjas wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
@itsallbollocks acknowledging public holidays in 2020 like well well well, we get to stay EXTRA home today, woo
@Plexomatic Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day