@gabbybendel: i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself

@GrowlyGrego: Choose your own adventure: S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P Dad sees a soda? Moving a couch for dad? Obese girl with a vision problem?

@Reverend_Scott: Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.

@rablivingstone: In some societies it's considered rude to put post-it notes on people's heads in the doctor's surgery with your guess what's wrong with them

@djdarrellripley: Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing.... Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.