@CruisinSoozan

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

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@kumailn

I was interviewing my cat & she just kept meowing nonsensically but I didn’t wanna interrupt or challenge her because I was afraid she’d end the interview!

@Parentpains

Surround yourself with people that can’t handle their alcohol, so you can drink theirs after they pass out.

@bourgeoisalien

I imagine one day my dearest friends will say at my funeral, “Wow. What an idiot. Who chokes to death on orange sherbet?”

@fart

no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won’t get my genitals dirty and i won’t have to wash my hands after. duh

@momthoughts13

Not one parenting book or website prepared me for how many times I would accidentally bump my baby’s head on a door frame.

@CutPics

“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like ,80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”

@garrettbarry70

There’s nothing more exciting than waking up with a half eaten burger in your hand.

@mostlysharks

me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME

@Traceykemp8

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend