@CruisinSoozan

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

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@Chumpstring

Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.

@WilliamRodgers

There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…

@aguywithnolife

brought a knife onto a flight just so the security agents would tackle me because sometimes it’s just nice to be held.

@robfromonline

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

@Home_Halfway

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

@stevevsninjas

wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?

@itsallbollocks

acknowledging public holidays in 2020 like well well well, we get to stay EXTRA home today, woo

@Plexomatic

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married and live together so I’d have to see them every day