When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
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As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
God, I love Scotland
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.