When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
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Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Google assistant rules
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
😬
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
My dog learned how to text