Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
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Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Sunday
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?