[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
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I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader