When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
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There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”