When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
You Might Also Like
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
🤣could you imagine
So inspired right now.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
Guilty! 🤪
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Goodnight 🐶
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.
I hope his new foster family is nice.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
i would wish you the best but i am the best
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”