@SondraDeeMe

When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.

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@Pig_Minted

Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:

@sofarrsogud

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here

@jergarl

I’d like to think I have a decent eye for fashion and my wife is like “OMG REMEMBER WHEN THAT HOBO PUT MONEY IN YOUR COFFEE LOL?”

@PanicRestroom

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?

@brianbowman73

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

@daviddeweil

If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.

@MarieLoerzel

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

@ieatanddrink

Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you

@RidiculousSheri

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

@DanMentos

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto