Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
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CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
I’d like to think I have a decent eye for fashion and my wife is like “OMG REMEMBER WHEN THAT HOBO PUT MONEY IN YOUR COFFEE LOL?”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
If The Bachelor was realistic they’d ask each other where they want to go out to eat and then never make a decision.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto