when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[watching The Avengers]
7YR OLD: daddy, why does Hulk get so angry?
ME: probably because his kid won’t stop asking questions during movies
We’ve all been there
I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me