When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
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I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
The Assassin.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.