When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
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[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I automatically write off anything Donald Trump says because someone with that much money has no excuse for that hair.
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra