When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
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Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.