@CVTBaby

When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”

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@climaxximus

me: the apple never falls far from the tree

friend: is that why its floating

me: yeah gravity is hella weird here

@Social_Mime

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

@Lottie_Poppie

The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying

@blade_funner

[the invention of ping pong]

“I don’t want this tiny ball.”

“Well, neither do I.”

“That makes me very angry.”

“Me too.”

@iamTannenbaum

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

@rickolantern

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

@beckyiniowa

My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.

@trojansauce

[dogs around campfire]

*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

@weismanjake

People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we’ve lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week

@hippieswordfish

it’s easy as pie!

‘what does that even mean?’

*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge

‘oh’