me: the apple never falls far from the tree
friend: is that why its floating
me: yeah gravity is hella weird here
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
[dogs around campfire]
*flashlight on face* and when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time
People say I have an unhealthy relationship with my cat, but we’ve lived together for 9 years and we still have sex like 3 times a week
it’s easy as pie!
‘what does that even mean?’
*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge