When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
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The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
It was worth a shot 😂
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
We’ve come full circle
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy