When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
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me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
You can’t outrun your problems…
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.