When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.