@scott_towel

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

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@kwirkyKerri

I lost all my drafts in the last update. Twitter did you all a favor.

@mom_tho

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

@MindyFurano

Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.

@aotakeo

ME: let’s clean up the living room before mom gets home

4yo: but how will she know how much fun we had?

ME: hmm good point! we better get more toys

@prufrockluvsong

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

@LlamaInaTux

Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again

Me: [whispering] ??? ???????

@_Justin_Stepien

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

@thepunningman

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics