I lost all my drafts in the last update. Twitter did you all a favor.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
ME: let’s clean up the living room before mom gets home
4yo: but how will she know how much fun we had?
ME: hmm good point! we better get more toys
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like Satan.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ??? ???????
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics