When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Running from your problems is cardio .
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.